I was Here.

3 years

Still odd to think that it’s been 3 years since you’ve been gone Lolo.  It’s always been a little odd around your death anniversary.  I went to Junior prom the day you died and now today I celebrate my one month with him.

You’re in a better place, I just hope that you keep watching over Lola with her mind going more and more each time I come to visit her.  You were never much for words so I’ll leave it at that.  I love you Lolo. RIP

To Those Nights.

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Books </3

Being in college I stopped reading books out of leisure and it’s sad.  I take a year to get through a basic book because I haven’t had the time to sit and read.  Actually, honestly I’ve become so lazy to read or think I’ve been watching animes, tv shows, mangas, memoirs, media that requires minimal thinking.

After watching The Great Gatsby I tried remembering high school english class, dissecting the book of themes, symbols, and other literary devices.  And honestly I don’t read carefully into anything enough to notice those things.

In recent times I’ve started getting interested in memoirs and non-fiction type books that tend to lack those things that novels have so my brain has gone dull.  While most people don’t read or don’t care enough about books like this but realizing this yesterday after I started reading Great Gatsby, it was actually…shocking and saddening.  Reminder that this year, this semester has gotten to new lows.  At one time reading was what kept me sane…and how did it get on the sidelines?

I feel like I just got to a whole new low of failure.

Wow I royally fucked myself over

Wow, never have I ever gotten grades this low…I’ve only gotten 3 back and it already looks depressing.  Let’s see if I still stay above a 3.0 this semester…

I knew there seemed something familiar

Your personality reminds me a lot like K.’s.  And I haven’t seen a personality like that since her.  

I started thinking about it when you stuck up for our friend even in a room full of people didn’t like her or never spoke up, or even when your friends from home talked shit about our other friends too, you stuck up for them again.  How from first meeting you people may think you’re a total douche bag by the way you look but after talking to you a few times people learn you’re actually quite intelligent and care about your friends.

It reminds me of K. and how I got to know her.  How I used to think she was a bitch but after getting to know her, she turned out to be a true friend who stuck up for you no matter how many people shit on you.  She’s outgoing and has some unpopular opinions and isn’t afraid to speak them and is much more intelligent than she leads on.

I think that’s why I feel like it’s kinda sad to see you go but I mean, we were never close but hanging out with you with everyone else made it even more entertaining.  And writing this post will probably look like I like you, but it’s not like that.  It’s the fact that everyone is leaving for the summer and you won’t come back in the fall with the rest of us.  You won’t be hanging out with us on the weekends anymore, which reminds me of how in time we all won’t be hanging out anymore.  

But anyways, thanks for somewhat caring when you did and well, good luck wherever you end up going, maybe I’ll see you’re article in Playboy or Esquire someday haha.  Congratulations.

It’s been almost two weeks

I miss you, and in less than 24 hours you’ll be here.  Can tomorrow night come any faster?

Losing sight

Talking with my friends about this semester, everyone said it was the worst by far.  We honestly lost control and lost sight of why we’re here.  February & part of March were the rager, crazy blackout nights.  I don’t regret having them one bit but I know I shouldn’t do that anymore.

And honestly, I don’t really want to anymore.  All my friends and I have definitely calmed down, no longer looking forward to drinking Thursday to Saturday and recovering and trying to do homework Sunday.

This semester has definitely been a lesson.  I just hope I learn from it.

Checked out

For the first time in like weeks I haven’t spent a week night in the library but in my dorm.  I didn’t really do much, just hung around friends and some homework, but not as productively as I would in the library.  Waking up this morning, that lazy feeling is still lingering.  I can’t let my brain check out, I still have next week and finals afterwards.  I skipped my first class because I’m not taking the final for that class.  I need to get back into the routine of going to the library again.  I can already tell I got a lot of work to do tonight.

I’ve been working my hardest for the past few weeks, late nights in the library and my friends notice because they only see me for dinner and the weekends.  I’m trying to salvage my grades because I did so poorly on most of my first exams and for slacking off so hard a month or two ago.  I’m still scared I’ll get terrible grades, I know it’s not the end of the world if I get a C+ or lower, but it’s so disappointing because in the end I did this all to myself.  

Ugh, I tell myself every semester to work harder than last but it seems it’s become opposite every semester.  I also feel like the types of classes I’m taking factor into my motivation as well.  I’m taking all required classes that bore the shit out of me, which leads me to skip or not pay attention.

I need to stop complaining.  I came here to get an education and an education is what I’m going to get damn it.