it’s funny how positive i am towards everyone around me . i try my best to cheer everyone up and help keep their head held high and make them laugh and shit . but lately it’s been inverse, the more i try to make people feel better the more i start to tear myself down inside . the more i feel like a stupid fuck up cuz i can’t get physics right and i can never get higher than an 80 in math . honestly schools been weighing me down so bad that it’s getting hard to stay above the surface in some classes right now . my environment doesn’t feel safe [emotionally] and comfortable , it’s unpleasant for the most part . i don’t particularly like many people in my school and the teachers are ok except for some . lately i’ve just been sleeping the days away and doing some homework .
i don’t want to deal with people here anymore , i’m losing my sanity and being ok is starting to become a challenge . once i again it could just be all be me over reacting but take it as you will , it’s my blog and i speak whatever i may here .
honestly i want to take up a really aggressive sport like boxing or something that has to do with physically maybe hurting the other person . i need to release this negative aggression i hold against myself inside . i need to let go .
ugh. i dnno y , perhaps lack of sleep , stressed , & skool shit . this is also reasons for my pimples , im considering to see a dermatologist soon. im getting tired of acting happy all the time in school , im actually pretty good wen im talkin wit “them”. but yeah its pretty infrequent now i need to get off of this hole im starting to dig myself into. fuck fuck fuck stop it ashley
last night showing made my skin ache so bad oh dear lord don’t let me fall any deeper luckily i shaved quick and put it away
i think i’ll pay a visit to the church soon sunday morning alone this time. i just want to pray and pray and pray to get better. i dont wanna be crawlin under the covers nd curl up in a ball whenever i feel like shit
DAMN im acting emo again the fuck is this ?! AHH i wanna scream & pull my hair out and show up to school like a mess that i am right now
ha..i wonder how people would say when they see me as how im feeling all the time uncomfortable & gross in these heels & skirts nd make up
FACT: I am not a " girly-girl " nor am I " tomboy " I play video games. I don’t like bugs. I like to look cute & pretty. I don’t use a high pitched voice when I talk to guys. Pink is not my favorite color. I don’t wear too much make-up. I fix my hair. I can play sports. Dirt is not an enemy. I don’t flirt with every guy out there. Sparkly stuff doesn’t grab my attention. I like to shop, but I don’t like spending too much. I don’t wear heels. I eat what I want, when I want. I am me.
i hatestrongly dislike you physics & mr. nambu’s class . i would really just like to roll over and forget about all those equations .
honestly he went to fast for my liking and fucked with my head . i couldn’t deal with the rest of class and it ruined the rest of my day . i don’t want to stay after to ask him for help because he just won’t be helping me all too much . i’d much rather learn on my own terms and on my own time so i think it’s time to head back to the book store to by myself a physics book that can help me out a little more . :\
i hate feeling stupid . right when i feel like i’m somewhat smart by being reassured by people , this just throws me off the edge ..
i honestly was close to screaming and pulling my hair and breaking shit in the classroom , so it might look like an over reaction but i dnno it’s just something inside me just got pissed and overwhelmed or something . perhaps repressed negativity & my anxiety was up and i thought i was gonna start bawling and having a panic attack right in that class .
ugh i don’t wanna think about this anymore , i’m gonna just go and eat my pasta and forget this shit every happened … yeah .
i swear every time i go into a book store my geeky side just goes on a book orgasm . i run around like crazy saying OMG THIS BOOK I WANT IT . at least 10 times within the hour . i had a list of books to buy and i swear my mind just wanted to have an orgy with all the books i wanted . yes , orgy . books that open my mind and inspire and make a difference in my life . goodness .
but i did accomplish my goal which was to get a basic accounting book xD . i did get a “leisure” book , this side of paradise by F. Scott Fitzergald . it was on a list of books that were referenced in the diary of a wallflower . yesh . life is grand , it was only 5$ xD .
anyways i just wanted a accounting book to see if accounting was really something i want to do as a major , as of now i really want psychology but my parents don’t believe in me becoming a successful [money wise] because the career doesn’t get you much apprently ? well whatever , accounting is what they’d like out of me , so i guess i’ll look into it .
I think the most beautiful people are the ones who went through the toughest situations in life but still manage to keep a smile on their face, especially if they have a bright personality to go along with that smile.
please stop sending me letters & emails tryna recruit me. half of you i’ve
never heard or bothered to consider. sorry but it’s annoying to get 10 emails a day and just delete them all off the second i see them. thanks
is there such thing as fate or r we the ones to make decisions that carve our path in this life time ?
i dnt kno i have no reason to believe strongly in or or another. i have many instances to believe in both. but neither enough to pull me into a final decision
deep thoughts deep indeed
is it fate that i met kay & befriended her & we’ve been marez til this day ? that she brought dan into my life ; even wes [now that i think about it] ; nd things didn’t work out & brought derek into my life ?
is that fate ?
or was it all of our decisions ? all of our doing ? i can’t say we chose ahead of time . i definitly never anticipacted my life to become much more fulfilling than i thought.
before my life with kay & all the others , i lived life so simply, so average , the way everyone else in this damn town lived .
whether these people who have come into my life have been from fate by god above or if they have just fallen into place from our everyday decisions ; im glad for what has come out of it ; to this day im happy for the memories ; the pain the smiles we’ve all had .
i guess this year hasnt been so bad . ive found a man to love for all time & lost people may it be from death or from seperation ; but it is all for the best ; i wont forget the fact i’ve kept some good things in my life such as my best friend. 2009, goodbye . hello 2010 i cant wait ; 1 year asawa . its really that amazing.
The ones that go up to you not asking “What’s wrong?” or anything, they know exactly what you’re feeling and all they do is hug you, make you feel better without words just comforting you . When you don’t even have to explain yourself, they know it’s none of their business but they still wanna help . Those people<3
I’m going to post a confession everyday. My life isn’t as dramatic and complicated as others out there but there are secrets that I’ve kept from even my best friends. There are definitely people out there that have it tough and you all are strong for putting up with it.
at first i was shocked and now that i’ve had time to think about all this i’m think WTF ?! SMFH girl . it’s sad cuz me nd her were maddd tight back in middle school and as high school happened and i stopped cheering she slowly moved into a different crowd . i was shocked when she told me she got shit faced , to getting high , to now smoking cigs or hanging out on the corner with people smoking . the fuck man ? you’ve gone on this downward spiral , and now this . pregnant . i wanted to joke and say i’m deff the god mother ! but this is no joking matter .
i thought she was smarter than this . yeah yeah , sex is fucking bomb but seriously … you’re just turning into another statistic . i don’t feel that most teenagers are not emotinally and maturely fit to raise a child and sure as hell not financially stable to do so on their own . it cuts your freedom and fun times with friends down . whenever i was holding my baby nieces or nephews and walking around in public people would give me that condescending look thinking sixteen and pregnant.
it’s sad and i sure as hell never will become a statistic . i will not get pregnant in college . i will have a kid when i become financially stable , meaning i have a job , i have a home , i have enough money to pay the bills & get the groceries as well as be able to save up for their future . i’d have a husband/significant other by my side helping me through . though this sounds so unreal and this is what everyone hopes , but i will work it out .
when i was younger i told myself i would be just like the ugly duckling. people shunned me for my wierdness and called me a loser behind my back. i told myself even if i’m not attractive now i have a brain to use and one day those looks will come and i’ll have brains and looks. then when i leave for college and come back for the reunion i can laugh in those people’s faces for staying in this god forsacken town with 3 kids and a boring life. i’m gonna be out in the world traveling and i’m gonna make a name for myself. i know it
so far in high school i think i underwent a transformation from dressing down to dressing up. people say i look more mature & i’m dressed to go to work somewhere. good cuz that’s what i wanted
i’m onto bigger and better ideas. i’ve got big dreams but the question is can i really do it all ?
3957) if you really knew me you would know i'm not really a dumb slut. if you really knew me you would know i'm actually quite smart. if you really knew me you would know i've only kissed one guy on the lips. if you really knew me you would know that i dont flirt on purpose. if you really knew me you wouldn't bitch about me behind my back, because you'd know that i'm not any of these things. so all you people that dont know the real me, fuck the hell off.
usually there is no particular person , unless it’s quite explicit it’s talking about one person . most of the time i’m just making generalizations , usually about guys or just people and how they’ve affected me in the past .
the way that i don’t trust guys online for the main fact i feel like they’re just wanting one thing from me . online booty call ?! GTFO . and just people in my life i see everyday just prove to me never to let my guard down . i don’t share much about what’s on my mind with people in school because they judge and talk shit .
they make the generalization that all i think about is sex . i do not think about it so much now a days because i’ll be judged by that . i find it totally normal to think about sex i mean we are teenagers with hella hormones .
but what ever talk shit , doesn’t everyone in high school ? well whatever , there’s only 2 people i let myself go to , they know who they are . [K&D] they keep me sane . i’ve began to lose myself in the bland and robotic way school runs .
wake up , get dressed , eat , go to the bus , locker , class room x4 , lunch , locker class room x3 , club meeting/talk to a teacher , take late bus home , eat , nap , hw , tv , bed .
i got lost in the rhythm of school i lost my sanity , my emotions , i locked down , leaving only logic to function . but now i’m working on it , i think i do better now that i’ve shared it with k .